I need to drink more.

Management was nice enough to buy honey from me before the holiday and only casually mention (I assume as my holiday gift) that I haven't posted in a while. There is something about only casually mentioning my short comings that makes the guilt so much worse.  I mean, I might as well be Bea.

I've been trying my hand at this writing thing, and I realize that its driving me to want to drink. The problem is, i haven't actually gone in my cups. That's where my problem comes from. I finally get the stereotype of creative people with substance abuse issues. Its because you stop worrying about sounded retarded when you're plastered.

Let's take for example my "corporate retreat" last week. First of all, corporate retreat? There are, at best, 5 of us working here, and at worst, just me. Let's be real. We all work within 20 feet of each other in a 45 degree freezer box with no windows. I imagine only gangrenous (spelled that right on the FIRST TRY) civil war veterans understand the sort of camaraderie we share (I had to google that spelling). We don't need no stinkin' retreat.

But apparently, having "values" and "goals" are important to a company. This is really in direct opposition to my life philosophy which says that values are what tether you to the anchor of your goals.

The only thing that kept me from quitting on the spot was the promise of alcohol. Free alcohol. So all five of us gathered around the conference table.  After about a case of beer later, we came up with our grand sweeping corporate value: SUCCESS. Thank GOD we cleared that up. I mean, I was skeptical when I heard that we needed this retreat to help us gain focus and perspective. But when I heard that we shooting for success? Man, that just opened up whole new vistas before me. I had been self sabotaging left and right.

Of course, all sarcasm aside, there were only FIVE people. And four of them thought that this was pretty ground breaking. Like, real self congratulatory stuff. So, I drank to see if some how beer could turn the asinine into the sublime.

It didn't. But I managed to fake my way into some participation points.   And isn't that the joy about being slightly buzzed? You can get excited about all sorts of miserable shit. HECK YES, I want to be successful, that is a great idea! Sustainability? Integrity? Other vaguely positive sounding buzz words? Sign me up! Concrete plans about achieving specific time-lined goals? GTFO. Not now.

I am always amused by myself even when I am as sober as a church mouse, but being drunk makes me all sorts of enthusiastic, and I can get behind ANY idea. Management accuses me of being salty. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I think it means I'm cranky.  When I am drunk, I am such a happy drunk. And I am always drunk inside my own head, but the self-consciousness usually keeps the giggles inside. But Drunk Honey (who is usually getting judged by Sober Honey) isn't afraid of sounding dumb. In fact, I am pretty sure she embraces being a complete dullard. And even lacks some of the situational awareness required to know how dumb she's being.

Drunk Honey has great ideas. That being said, I'm going to hunt down some whiskey and see if I can't get some more blog posts humming along.